Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
You Might Also Like
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
When you’ve simply given up.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby