“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
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I just love that new Pope smell.
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
Investing in beetcoin
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”