Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
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kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
It’s a gift
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.