I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
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enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.