“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
You Might Also Like
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
We like the way Dwight thinks
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
do horses think humans are hats
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat