An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
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Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.