I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
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“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?