I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
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*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills