They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
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Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*