Pikachu found the lost joint
You Might Also Like
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
🥶🥶🐶🐶
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
#MeanwhileinCanada
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.