Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
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The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.