The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
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tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
and this one
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
I forgot how to panic. Help
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
There’s always that one guy
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.