Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
You Might Also Like
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Shortcut
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.