Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
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i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!