Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
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*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
DOOO EEEET
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.