SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
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Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.