Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
You Might Also Like
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.