Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
You Might Also Like
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent