Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
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Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
DOOO EEEET
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.