I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
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You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
just pretend nothing happened
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!