Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
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Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
a lot to unpack here
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
wtf is an acronym
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*