A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
You Might Also Like
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
“our sushi is very fresh”
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time