Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
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The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”