I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
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6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
Duck typos.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
How it started: How it’s going:
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.