It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
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A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days