Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
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[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
Wednesday
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”