To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
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If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious