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Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
When you’ve simply given up.
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
Dishonest mechanic?
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying