My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
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Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
Nose
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
[at the general store]
me: one general please
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking