Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
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Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
If only
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
NASA has no chill
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.