Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
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I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
Word!
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.