“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
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“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.