[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
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I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.