My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
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ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
Me in tagged photos
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff