me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
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death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?