What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
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I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
No, I don’t think I will.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*