I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
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Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.