Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
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So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
If I ignore life will it go away?
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
I put the hot in psychotic.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island