Thanks to a fan for this one!
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even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.