Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
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Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
me irl