Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
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If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.