Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
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the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.