“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
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I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.