Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
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The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Meanwhile in Portland…
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.