A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
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At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple