Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
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church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
same vibe as tangled headphones
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair