I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
You Might Also Like
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi