When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
You Might Also Like
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.