I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
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If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
Every haunted house movie:
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
Pringles
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here