throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
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[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
emergency phone
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?